Rupaul's Drag Race Season 9!

Ranking the house down - Boots and all - Round 1

First of all - the only appropriate reaction to the release of season 9 is...

This gif is appropriate for any situation - from Fridays to my mother's funeral, there will always be a time and a place for it. In this case, it's even more appropriate because guess what hennies! The dry season is over - champagne for everyone darling!

Me with the Season 9 Ruveal

So I thought I'd do what I like to do, not what I'm good at and write about my favourite show in the universe - the extravaganza that is Rupaul's Drag Race.

I want to start a week-to-week (when the show comes on) power ranking of the girls based on how I think they're doing in the competition, the world and social media (because social media is the world, really). I thought I'd get started with the Meet the Queens Videos, do a post trailer/premiere party ranking and then week by week all the way to the finale - I'll try and be a good girl and keep up, but we shall see.

Thanks for joining me on this venture, if you got this far

Season 9!

First (ofallwhore)ly, let me just say loud and proud, how fucking excited I am about Season 9! I know we all discover what's really in our panties every time a new cast is released but this cast is making me sweat in all sorts of places! The variety, the glamour, the comedy, the fashions, the personalities, the looks! It's throwing me back to season 6 - the last time I was this attached to a cast. 

Or maybe it's just because they put some money and effort into this promo and I've been dry for too long - but in all seriousness, there are some serious queens in this cast and I cannot wait to fall in and out of love with them on a weekly basis - depending on where reddit's head is at. (fine, usually - but occasionally there's teeth involved).

So without any further preamble (I feel like Derrick or Jasmine explaining something at this point), let's get to the main event and rank these girls - this is purely based on their MTQ video, promo look, social media presence and what I perceive to be their impact on the fandom so far - (don't worry, I'm going beyond reddit but I'm also ignoring most of Facebook). It is totally arbitrary, open to discussion, hate, flames, aversion and hemming - bring it bitches!

What I think I look like saying that

What I actually look like

PS - I know you don't wanna hear any GodDamned excuses - but this is my first ever blog and graphic design is not my passion, dick is, so please bear with.

13) Peppermint

Don't y'all doubt me now, I'm not a sleeper - I think Peppermint is a gorgeous, talented queen who has a ready made storyline, a long career and endless talent to show off on this show and I am super excited that she will be the first openly transgender woman on the show (while filming). She has a lot to offer, a lot of knowledge and talent to spare but her promo look left me feeling like she was hunting for season 5, her MTQ video did not pop (despite her innate sweet nature) and her social media presence/impact has been a resounding silence - (I see you reddit don't worry, but let's not forget - we're only a small portion of children in nature). I fear that she's going to get the Tempest/Kelly Mantle/Penny Tration edit and I am not here for that - please prove me wrong and stick around - I know it's cliche but I really feel like she could be a genuine breath of fresh air (see, see what I did there?) if she stuck around in and amongst all these pretty, opinionated bitches and barbies.

12) Trinity Taylor

I've already lost half of you, so I may as well continue with the hot glue! I think Trinity is absolutely going to be the ChiChi, Kennedy, Joslyn, Jinkx, Dida of this competition - don't get me wrong. She can sew, sing, dance, act and is a charismatic force to be reckoned with, who has a readymade storyline (Pulse, Orlando/beating Alyssa for EOY) and the talent to back it up. However, like Peppermint, her MTQ vid did not pop at all and in a cast full of popcorn, you really have to make an impression and fast. Her promo look didn't wow me - I liked it but I thought her makeup and wig were off, her accent was cute but alongside Eureka and Peppermint, she is one of the least followed girls on Instagram/Facebook and Twitter. I'm totally here for her to prove me 100% wrong and pound her pussy to the top 4, but I'm not sold - yet. I am appreciating her half naked pictures on Instagram to at least gain the dick pig vote, girl knows her audience!

11) Eureka! (O'Hara)

Not that we mention that part of her name (or she who must not be named), of course - how awesome is it to have a big girl back on the show! Her promo picture is fucking gorgeous and everything this show needs - the Divine Tribute is on point but this queen has more than a campy clown to offer. She's majestic, beautiful, funny and loves to do things people don't expect big girls to do - which I am 100% here for - more of that please! However, her video, while sweet and funny, didn't go bang for me - she didn't leave a lasting impression which makes me sad, after Ginger (god bless her, gal) we could all do with another big, funny queen who leaves a sweet taste in our mouths this time around - unfortunately, I don't know if Eureka has what it takes to stand out in this cast. I'll wait and see, but I feel like she may not be quite ready to slay this level of competition yet - but I don't care, I'm just happy to have a plus sized queen again! And to all those queens praising beauty, fishiness and passability and mocking her on Facebook (I see you cunts), just take a moment to remember where drag came from and why we even have the Farrah's, Aja's and Kimora's of the world today - hint, it's closer to Eureka than Valentina. It reminds me of those gays that bash Madonna - fuck all the way off. (Pay close attention, let's see if we see her and Ross Matthews at the same time).

10) Valentina

Ohh the controversy - I love Valentina. As a gay man from the time I tried to shoot out my mother's vagina but had to be cut out instead - she makes me feel strange things inside. She is an absolute beauty queen and her skinny interaction with Michelle Mirage is low-key iconic. Her promo is pure barbie, her MTQ suggests a level of intelligence that isn't conveyed through her look - she knows her audience and she's going to make them gag for her. However, I don't get overly funny from her - I'm happy to be proven wrong but I see her making it through a fashion challenge, a couple of group performances but I see her getting very easily knocked out on an individual challenge (think Despys/Snatch Game etc.) Very happy to be proven wrong - this girl has the chops to win it - and the bitches on social media love a pretty little girl. However, You can learn to how to paint pretty real fast, but it takes serious talent and comic skills to be successful on drag race and I'm unsure if this beauty is there yet - but hey, she's skinny!

9) Jaymes Mansfield:

There's always one queen that's going to be the Marmite of the season - hello Miss Mansfield, I think we've found you. (PS Do y'all know what Marmite is? A British/New Zealand disgusting yeast spread that people either love or hate - either way, it's good for your vagina) - I'm from New Zealand by the way! End tangent. 'I'm like walking art, but not like Vivacious, I'm pretty' is already one of my favourite lines from MTQ this year and this queen deserves serious respect for her years working as a successful YouTube queen, teaching young and wannabe queens (AKA me) tricks of the trade. Her channel is a lifeline for struggling gays and I really believe if she plays her cards right, this bitch will decimate the acting challenges and be a shoo-in for the top 6/7. However, that voice is already grating me, her social media reaction hasn't been wonderful and her promo look while cute, was a little mess. I do wish people took more time to explore her before forming an opinion and I cannot wait to see what she does on the show, but in terms of power? She's got a deck of cards up her sleeve - how she plays them will determine how long she stays.

8) Farrah Moan

Oh don't get me wrong - i don't have a thing against pretty/fishy queens (unless you're ViVi - Rapunzel, Rapunzel - do NOT let down your hair), but I also think they don't fare particularly well in these 90 second clips that ask for personality first and looks later. Speaking of looks, she looks amazing - is surprisingly eloquent for a 22 year old, her outfit was super cute and she's got all of social media abuzz. Her name is also clever and she's growing on me by the minute (ooer). However, I'm interested to know if she's going to be relying on pretty the whole time or if she has some comic/entertainer chops to go with her beautiful barbequed shrimp. Yes, she's probably too low but her MTQ didn't resound with me, her look wasn't SHUTTHEFRONTDOOR and I'm hoping she's going to give us more than a second rate Courtney Act, (don't shoot - that is a Joslyn Reference) but I'm yet to be convinced that the proof is in the (gluten free, carb free, sugar free, yet super sweet no doubt) pudding.

7) Nina Bo'Nina Brown (Osama, Banana, Fe Fi Fo - et al.)

Here's NINNAAAAAA! Nina is bound to be the most trainwreck worthy queen in the history of RPDR - at the very least. Her meet the queen was hilarious, lady Guinea Pig is going to be my drag idol forever and beatabitchass is already iconic, her humour, her honesty, her look and her social media presence certainly help her stand out from the crowd. Currently I've got her in the middle because I'm unsure if she's going to Osama this competiton or be the Lana Winters we all root for. Either way, the bitch is a mess, she's hilarious, she's already wound her way into the hall of fame and I cannot wait to see just what the hell she comes out with, if all her posts and allusions are just a joke or if she really is the second coming of the Messiah (Willam).

6) Alexis Michelle

I'm not sleeping on Alexis (although I would love to sleep on her... edit - never mind) but she has got serious potential. Her outfit was a showstopper by anyone's standards (it was designed by Christopher Palu from Project Runway S10), her Meet the Queen was eloquent, elegant and clever - she reminds me a lot of Delta when she talks both in voice and in tone and her sentences are all so well thought out and put together (she's not Kimora basically) - I can't help feeling this is our black horse. Her make-up was on point, her social media presence is great and it helps she's a very cute guy to boot and I can't help thinking this bitch is going to take some of these prettier, less substantial queens and kick their padded asses to the curb and show them how a Broadway queen gets it done. Educated, old-school, new-school, funny, glamorous, theatrical fish - when was the last time we had one of those? (and don't say Bianca or Jinkx - note the fish part - YES, thatpart).

5) Sasha Velour

Sasha is NOT the Max/Acid/Princess of this competition she is NOT. Her MTQ absolutely knocked me out of the park - this bitch excites, scares and thrills me in equal measure which is exactly what drag is MEANT to do (hint - kids, it's not looking the prettiest) and her explanation of her look, her drag and her inspiration floored me. As a long term worker in the LGBTQ field, her explanation was textbook ready and I feel like writing it as a quote and putting it up on the wall of my local youth centre. She get it, I get her, all the other queens get it and I think this show is totally ready for a genderqueer, clubkid, graphic artist to win this shit right? Her look is amazing, her social media presence is clever but beautiful and I can't wait to see what she comes up with on the show. I'm dreading the way the show is going to treat her and I can her Michelle's boobs sharpening her knives now, but I think she's clever enough to mix it up (change) to survive and rise above it all. Even her fucking drag name makes more sense than all of Season 7 put together for goodness' sakes! (I repeat) Sasha is NOT the Max/Acid Betty of this competition - she is NOT! (just get through snatch game, that's all you have to do).

4) Aja

I'm not as sold on the hoodrat anime queen as the rest of the world - she's cute, sexy and bloody clever but she knows it - and to me, that's a turn off. Her MTQ video really showed how young she in terms of personality - she felt the youngest to me by a long way and I'm unsure of her comic talents as of yet - I have yet to be sold on her. She feels like she's going to be an utter queen one day - but I'm not sure the cake has been iced yet. With that being said, her MTQ look was super cute (even if she over freckles herself? Just me? Okay), her social media presence is absolutely on point and you can tell she's going to be the Kim/Pearl of this season in terms of popularity and that's something right? And she's an utterly fierce performer (okay, maybe not Kim/Pearl then :D) who can work a crowd - she certainly won't be going home in her first lip-sync, that's for sure. The bitch has talent, the bitch has potential, the bitch will absolutely go far in this competition but I do NOT think the cake is ready for the big time yet. Nearly and she'll win the audience game this time around, no doubt - but maybe no crowning just yet.

3) Charlie Hides

Okay, they got me gal - I'm a comedy queen! I can't help inserting a bit of personal bias in there this early - forgive me? The transatlantic dame herself! The 100 year old witch that just wandered into Logo Studios and started filming (stolen from Reddit), THE 52 YEAR OLD American Drag Queen living in London who is a celebrity impersonator and a brilliant comic to boot. 52! Seriously! Chad wishes she were that young (come to think of it, so does Rupaul). Charlie is my favourite queen this season no lie - but her MTQ was absolutely the funniest/most personable and her personality and humour shone through - her look was pure Charlie but absolute glamour and I just can't wait to see her on the show. If she goes before snatch game, so help me god - we will riot right? But really, I think Charlie is super excited about this and she strikes me as being old enough to know how valuable this opportunity is and will absolutely make the most of it. Her enthusiasm has me thinking she makes it far and I cannot wait to watch this old dame get one last go at the merry go round (you know this bitch went to country fairs in 1966 and rode the carousel). Also - I adored her potato quality grid post on Instagram - anyone else catch that? Her old lady social media behaviour has me gagging in excitment (BIANCA DEL RIO ANYONE?) and I'm delighted (basically) at the reactions on social media - I'm just praying she packed Lana.

2) Kimora Blac

Do I think Kimora will place second in the competition? NO. Do I think that after MTQ/Social Media etc. Kimora is being talked about? Absolutely - I mean, all lives matter and Nina's a mess, but Kimora is something different - something that hasn't been on Drag Race before (Yes, Detox is 75% plastic, 25% Lube but Kimora's more plastic than that) and something that is going to get everyone talking. She's an utter mess in her MTQ video (straight boys like meeee, drag queens like meeee, gay boys like meee) and I am 100% here for it. She's a clever bitch playing dumb, she's absolutely going to stir shit and she will absolutely be one of the names on everyone's lips this season. Her social media following was already the biggest and she's only going to grow from her - her look is perfect, her mug is beat and she's totally oiling the hinges for the plastic Barbie to start her engine and shake up the game. She's glamour, she can actually lipsync (as long as stripping is involved), she's got money, she's got looks and she's got a mouth and ass that came to play. I think she'll go around Snatch Game - but I also think she'll leave a Texas shaped hole on the competition, before and after she leaves. Mark my words, of all the queens - this one's going to be the one on everyone's lips after the show - mother does not play.

That.

1) Shea Coulee

I know - I'm drinking the coulaid - but really, who else was there? This bitch has everything, glamour, outfits, personality, sass, humour and is a total all round talent. She may be lacking a little comic timing but the bitch is regal, beautiful and will go far in this competition. She's like Bebe, with a bit more sass and funk - if Bebe was entering the show now, this is who I imagine she would be. She knows her aesthetic, her promo look blew me away and she just pops in all the right directions. Her MTQ wasn't the funniest, the wittiest, the most personable but she stated her aim, intent and who she was about and social media is totally obsessed with her. Watch her perform, then tell me whether she'll make the final 3 or not. I also think that unlike maybe Charlie/Kimora/Farrah - there's a whole heap of room to grow for this queen (that make-up needs a little work) and unlike Aja, Eureka, Valentina etc. - I think she's at the right point in her career to show what she can do, take criticism, shake it up and develop a winning story arc that will showcase her talent, sass and growth over the competition.

You heard it here first bitches, (you probably didn't - Helen Keller was last spotted predicting Shea for a top 3 spot), Shea's my week one pick and tops the power rankings this week!

Agree, disagree, wanna come to my room and cut up my wigs? Think I'm a pretentious baby gay who reads Reddit too much and pretends to be a smart little know it all? 

You'd be absolutely right - except I'm too old to keep calling myself a baby gay, but I try anyway.

Peace, love and happy hennies - M